practical poetry: a ragefull memoir

 i found myself in the car today, screaming for someone i lost, shredding my voice as i beg for words to express this feeling that has nestled in my throat for months. it started when i first heard this voice whisper, "oh how sad, to have loved someone so much more than they loved you." this voice is my constant companion, filling every moment of silence with it's opinions. whether they loved me equally or not, i have decided to listen, to this grating voice that started as a whisper, that now screams "how dare you think you were important enough to be loved in that way." 2 years i was loved, or so i thought, and yet it was gone in 2 weeks, washed away like chalk in the rain. a poetic way to say they don't care, and are better without me. an interesting position to stand in. in the hurt of missing someone you thought would be yours forever, and standing in the anger of being abandoned and left for nothing, in a world that is so cruel as to flaunt love in your face like diamonds to the poor. i find that my sadness is replaces more recently with a boiling rage, fueled by my feeling of loneliness and lack of purpose as i moved to a new city the same week, and i began this new chapter alone and in a new place. a song played in the car today, that reminded me (who believed i was doing just fine) that i am in fact broken, in pieces, and held together by nothing but thread and prayers. the road was blurred slightly, as the dam broke and i was filled gradually with the waters of sadness, disguised as anger. the words of the song said, "i see you in the daytime and i hear you at night, theres a pale imitation thats burned in my eyes. i don't wanna be here, what am i supposed to do, sometimes i'd rather be dead than at least then i'm with you, amen." what an incredible way to scream, "i hate you for leaving me and calling it love, for leaving me and telling me you wish me the best." i don't want the best. i wanted you. i want you.

amen - amber run